Some rules and agreements in relationships are necessary: they create a sense of predictability and stability. But sometimes one of the partners seeks to completely control the life of the other. What is hidden behind the desire to dominate and affirm their power?

Our intention to control what is happening in life is understandable and evolutionarily justified: this is how we ensure security, we feel ourselves active participants in the situation. We are building a love relationship ourselves, we are included in the process and are ready to bear responsibility for our actions.

But when this desire develops into an obsessive need, we begin to feel unable to let go of the situation and trust the partner. Why is this happening?

Triggers of past experience

“The excessive need to control the partner is always associated with the loss of confidence,” explains Gestalt therapist Olga Sakovskaya. – We can lose confidence in the partner for two reasons: due to urgent problems within the pair or as a result of traumatic experience gained in the past “.

What can happen in the first case? For example, the couple survived treason, betrayal, one partner seriously failed another … That is, we are talking about echoes of a real situation that is not spelled in pair, not lived until the end. Relations, despite the difficulties and errors, are preserved, but fear and distrust settle in the family.

Feeling that a painful situation may repeat, one of the partners enhances control over what is happening-in order to somehow protect themselves in the future. It may not be easy to restore trust in such circumstances, but this is more real than in the second case – when problems in the relevant relations “phones” by past experience (including early children) rejection, neglect of a partner or one of the parents, with whom the unhealthy, was formed,unsafe attachment.

“A person who has experienced an injury and has lost basic trust is freezing at this point,” says Olga Sakovskaya. – And he looks at the world through the eyes of a wounded child. Having once learned betrayal, he automatically does not trust anyone, even the most reliable person. And feels instability in any relationship.

The slightest act of the partner (returning from work an hour later than the promised) becomes a trigger who returns him to the past, is perceived as a threat to relations. The sooner there was an injury, the more it it is, the more difficult it is to recognize and heal it. The help of a specialist may be required here “.

11 signs of excessive control

Control is not always violence, threats and ultimatums (although they too). From control, there is also a desire to clarify the situation as soon as possible, to make it understandable and predictable by any way known to a person. Here are a few signs of controlling behavior.

1. You always decide how and with whom the partner should spend time. Maybe you are not happy that he is talking too often with his brother on the phone. Or you don’t like her best friend, and you advise you to interrupt communication with her. Or your family always spends free time as you want exactly. The ultimate goal is conscious or not – isolate the partner from the outside world and deprive his support group, supports on anyone but you.

2. You constantly criticize him – even by trifles. Sometimes these comments look completely unobtrusive: “I don’t really like this tag of yours or a haircut, but, in principle, it is not so important

, do not take it at your own expense”. You can convince yourself that criticism is justified, that you are simply trying to help another become better. But if comments are a constant element in a relationship, it is very difficult to feel truly accepted and beloved.

3. All the time you are waiting for confirmation of your own significance. You feel a strong alarm if the partner has not asked in the messenger over the past couple of hours: “Honey, how are you?”Or did not have time to write:” Kotik, I miss “. You are ready to arrange a scandal or you can sulk for several days if he has not met you after another business trip at the airport with a bouquet of your beloved white chrysanthemums.

4. You support a feeling of uncertainty in a partner. You do not hide doubts about his ability to achieve important goals – in profession, sports, in the fight against excess weight or a bad habit. You regret or irony say that the partner is not talented enough for this, smart or hardworking.

In addition, you are not shy about definitions, calling him a person too gloomy and depressed, and predict that he will never be happy. Speak directly that the partner is too cold or, conversely, behaves too sexy – “Togo and look, dumps to the left”. In the subtext, it reads: “You are very lucky that I endure all your shortcomings”, “Appreciate that I chose you, who else could live with such.

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